you guys were way drunker than both of me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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