How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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