twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
foreskin is a definite game changer
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
