If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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