it's too hot outside to masturbate.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
