i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
