there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
