But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
