I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
