im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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