I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
