Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
