So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
