you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.