Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole