respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
