He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this boner is exhausting
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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