1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE