Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
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I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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