The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
