also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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