Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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