I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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