you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
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And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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