Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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