What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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