I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
