theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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