I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
