I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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