my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
