dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
