I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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