the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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