Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My bed smells like the plague
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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