she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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