Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
