you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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