You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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