my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I need moral support for this bender
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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