I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
