I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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