i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
