im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
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I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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