Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
