I wish my penis had an off switch
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
