Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
