Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
