You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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