Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
