I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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