Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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