ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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