when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
