Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
