i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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